I boarded the plane a tired mess. The week building a house in Guatemala had taken more of me mentally and physically than what I had expected. But more than anything at this moment, my soul was an emotional mess. I longed for my trip home, but yet my heart felt this heavy burden of what I was leaving behind.
Finding my seat and settling in, I sat there numb. There were no dictionary words to describe what I was feeling. And because I had no words, I didn’t want to talk to anybody. So I did what any other person in that situation would do — I grabbed my earphones, turned on my music, and just stared out the window.
We taxied out and I could feel the engines racing as we took off. Still gazing out the window so the tears flowing down my face couldn’t be seen, I struggled with these feelings. Why did part of my soul long to stay behind in Guatemala?
Why were there tears as I headed home to my family? Why did I feel torn?
Staring at the mountains through the clouds, the sites of Guatemala began to fade as the words of Revelation Song boomed from itunes flat-out against my heart.
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings
You are my everything and I will adore You
Filled with wonder awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your name
Jesus Your name is power, breath and living water
Such a marvelous mystery
Jesus is such a mystery. His ways are such a mystery, not to mention His love.
As I could no longer see the land that I love out the window, I felt the sweet whisper of Jesus fall over my soul. Now you are beginning to understand me more. I understand your hurt. My heart was torn between two worlds. A beautiful heavenly home, and this earthly home.
He did understand!
He had a great home. A glorious heavenly one. It was perfect.
He came to this broken earthly world. He came to serve me and you.
And I wonder when His time came to return to His heavenly home if he was torn between two worlds? Oh how I bet so!
I had never thought about it. But now, I imagine His heart hurting over those he was leaving behind, those who he loved serving, and the people that were still to be loved. Yes, I think he was a wrecked-up mess just as I was.
I had never considered all the questioning and longing Jesus must have done here on earth. How He must have longed to serve here, but live there — His heavenly home. So just like Jesus . . .
We spend much of our life wrestling out the tension between two worlds.
We go to work, but we’d rather be home.
We hang out with family, and worry if our friends are cared for.
We serve in the church, and wonder how we can find time to serve others outside the church.
We build our riches, and struggle with why some have none.
We live in an amazing free country, and question our thoughts on borders.
We want to shine our lights, but are afraid to head to the dark places for our lights to be seen.
Yes, our hearts are torn everyday between two worlds. These thoughts crash and collide within our souls as there are no easy answers.
Sometimes the questions are messier than the answers.
If you’re wrestling with questions, hang in there. Through the journey of finding answers you’ll begin to see Jesus in a whole new way. There is nothing that we’ve experienced that He hasn’t. I’m more certain now than ever that’s the reason He had to live and serve in two different worlds.
Which world is calling you?
Which world is causing you to ask more questions?