“Will you take a risk with me,” she (Amy Sullivan) asked. Sure, I said before my mind had really wrapped around what that meant.
Now here I am, my knees are knocking as I’m about to pick up the phone. It’s the day I have to make a move and act on what I’ve been pondering about for the last months. The deep stirring will not let my soul go. Some days it will not let me breath. Oh, how I wish the thoughts would hush. But they hover peeking into and disturbing my every thought.
In the past few months I’ve been put in messy situation after messy situation to show me what a deep-dark world we are living in. And every time I step in to the darkness, I’m so sad at how we as Christians try to avoid the dark. Friends, we are called to be “lights in this dark world.” So why aren’t we going? Why aren’t we moving out?
Darkness can not deny the Light that you and I have! Even a weak dim burning ember can shine light in the dark. [can you tweet that?]
And we’ll never know what that really means as long as we only shine our lights in already lit places. I can’t stand the swirling thoughts making my soul crazy any longer. I’m risking rejection and asking a friend to help me enter a dark world.
I feel ill-equipped and inadequate.
I’m trusting the reason God has laid this burden so thick and deep on my heart is that he expects me to do something. He knows I heard. He knows I’m needed. But I think He continually forgets that I’m just a scared little Texas girl. I’d rather stand behind you than step aside and out on my own.
Since I can’t deny the nudge in my soul, I made the phone call. I spoke with one who knows prostitutes and women caught in the darkest of places. Unsure of how our conversation would go, my stomach was doing flip-flops. At times I wondered where the puke bucket was as my stomach churned by all the tumbling it was doing.
It is so frustrating to have something so strong in your soul and yet you have no clue how to act upon it. The phone call was great. And a return call was even better, but I put the phone down deflated. If I’m honest, I think I was hoping for someone with knowledge to feel my need to do something.
I wanted them to pound their fists and cry their eyes out at the burden God had laid on my heart. I wanted them to say, “Yes, let’s help these women.” And then I knew they’d lead me by the hand and show me what to do. They could take the lead.
That preconceived expectation didn’t happen.
After laying my vulnerable weary soul out there, I wanted to throw walls up around me. I hate risking. I hate rejection. And you know what? I wasn’t even rejected. The plan just didn’t unfold how I had hoped it would.
Maybe the truth is that I hate not having all the answers. Shoot – I don’t even have all the questions at this point. But I had laid out with a quivering voice thoughts, awkward questions, and God-visions. And my heart grew with each soft spoken word and quiet whisper of the burden that God has given me. The risk made determination and passion grow stronger.
For awhile, I didn’t feel like I accomplished much. But that’s just it, with risk — you are either propelled where you need to be or your stopped to rethink and try again.
When was the last time you took a risk? It doesn’t matter how big or small — a risk is a risk!
If you’re risk didn’t get you to where you need to be, will you step out and risk again?
Oh how I hope so, because that’s where I hope to see you — on the other side of the risk. It’s time we do something.
Or do something again!