Not a day goes by where I don’t think about what happened and all that came from it. Even though it is much easier to live with and what’s done is done, I still can’t help but wonder what if?
I know for whatever reason God let that happen and for whatever reason that is the way things were supposed to go down. I remember that day I got a message from some random person explaining the situation. I kept thinking, “Why hadn’t the folks called to fill me in?” Were they mad at me? Was I to blame?
I knew when I left it wasn’t going to be easy for you nor was it going to be easy for me. I know it didn’t help any that I hardly called or asked how you were doing. I was lost in my own world; I wanted to focus on myself and nothing else. I couldn’t bare the disappointment that would come from you or our parents.
I was far from the person I used to be. All of these thoughts came into my head as mama was telling me what had been going on. I couldn’t believe it.
I couldn’t breathe and my anger just kept rising.
My little sister who I loved so much, who I had practically raised the past four years had tripped out on some pills given to her at school, but why? Right then I knew, a problem that you had been struggling with for years but never told anyone about.
A problem I knew about the entire time but never got you any help.
A problem I won’t say because it is not mine to share. I kept thinking was it my fault, could I have stopped this? Yes. The moment I left home who knew your world would begin to fall apart and everything around you would slowly cave. Who would have thought me moving back would cause you to turn to a drug to hide a secret only you and I knew.
Not only did I make you feel neglected but I had also made you carry a secret too much for you to handle. I was so angry at myself, so angry at God. How could He let this happen, why did He let this happen? Why was I so selfish? Sister, I didn’t know me leaving would cause that, I didn’t realize how lost I left you.
I am sorry I had failed you as an older sister.
Not just by leaving you but the horrible example I was. I was a liar, a thief, a drinker, a druggie. How could I expose you to all of those things? Why did I think it was ok? I kept thinking if only I had been a better example none of that would have happened.
That pain you all went through, I can never take it back.
I still can’t express how sorry I am and I don’t know if I ever could. Why it has to be you to go through a struggle like that, I would give anything to take it all away. I wish I could take that memory from that day and make it disappear.
But now, as sorry as I am and no matter how much I wish that day would have never happened, I know there was a reason. Through all of that God made us stronger. It’s been over a year and as we continue to grow, I know we have come a long way. I know there are consequences you suffer and every day the struggle you will have but with time things will get easier. The root of the problem was much deeper than I can say but God started the healing process.
Not just for you but for me too.
What a beautiful letter in the fact that God has healed you and your sister and brought you closer together. Not to mention the fact that you are closer to Him as well. There is something so sweet about a bound between sisters and I’m thankful to read that you two are restoring your relationship. God has great plans for both of you!
Do you feel like you have led one of your siblings astray or maybe a friend? If so, may you begin the process of forgiving yourself and making the relationship right.