You are a sneaky one…
using something as innocent as food to draw me away from my One True Love. You had no scruples because you started with me at the age of 5. You used my mother in ways a mother should never be used to ingrain the idea of ‘FAT’ into my head.
Your scheme began long before I was born when you had her work with women who alternately binged and then starved themselves in order to lose weight. You knew it would flip a switch in my mother’s emotions so she would determine that neither she, nor her daughters, would ever be overweight. From as early as I can remember the words ‘fat’ or ‘fattening’ were regularly served up in our home, thanks to you.
“No, you can’t have ________________. It is fattening.”
“That will make you fat.”
“Look at how fat that woman is.”
Ugh!! I don’t recall a season in my life where my weight was not an issue.
Although I was never fat, I was certainly chunky as a teen. That is when the messages really began to penetrate the bulls-eye of my emotions, although what I internalized was not exactly what was being said. But, that is how you wanted it, wasn’t it, you demon of hell?
“If you are fat, no one will ever ask you out for a date.”
“In order to be accepted you must be skinny and popular.”
“The less you eat, the less you weigh.”
You thought you had won the battle when I decided I could live on 600 calories a day, didn’t you? What I did not realize until two decades later when I was in my 40s was that skinny was not what you were after. You were after a divided heart. You wanted my heart to be idolatrous and, boy, was it ever! My body was my idol, my god. All the while you sat on the sidelines and cheered, knowing my focus was not on Jesus, but on me.
What you did not count on was that I would eventually run to Jesus, begging for forgiveness and restoration. You also did not count on me never blaming my mother for my anorexia. You would have experienced absurd delight if I had been bitter and angry toward her, but I wasn’t. I take full responsibility for my anorexia, my idolatry.
Although I still struggle on occasion, you no longer have a foothold on my heart.
My heart is sold out to Jesus and any leanings toward anorexia send me running back to Him for strength and grace. So, high-tail it back to hell where you belong. Satan, You have no authority here!!
Sincerely and with a grin,
What an incredible heart. While you could have easily blamed your mom, you saw straight through the scheme of the evil one. That pesky serpant will use anything he can to get the best of us, and especially where family relationships are concerned. So yes . . . Satan, high-tail it back to hell where you belong! <——-tweet that, it’s good! (shoot, let’s pin it too) Thank you for sharing your struggle. “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8) Oh yes, he’ll try his best to devour us. Thank you Anonymous for winning the battle and fight. You are an example to each of us!
How does satan try to get to you? Battling our thoughts on our self-image are hard! The world screams skinny, tall, no calorie, etc. If any of you are struggling with an eating disorder and are looking for someone to talk to, please visit my friend Leah Adams by clicking here. Please leave some comment love below for Anonymous.
I’m linking up with Chatting at the Sky and The Nester for a31 Day series. The challenge is to write everyday in October. Last year I wrote about 31 Days of Living with Purpose. View the series here. This year I am writing about 31 Days of Anonymity and I hope you’ll join in. The specifics about this series and how you can get involved can be found by clicking here. I hope these letters by anonymous souls will give a voice to your silent hurt.