Four years ago, you began a journey that would alter the course of my life forever. I had no idea; I was completely in the dark. Once your choices were revealed, I thought I would surely die of a broken heart. But, I’m here to tell you that I’ve made it through and am flourishing!
When you revealed your mistake, my breath instantly escaped me.
It all felt surreal!
How could this be happening? We had a perfect, dream life! We were successful, happy (I thought), ministered together, IDEAL! I didn’t know where to turn or what to do! This was supposed to happen to OTHER couples (women), NOT us (me)! I remember wanting things to be fixed, and fixed rapidly. I wanted things to be kept SECRET as to not “reveal” that our life together was flawed. Not exposing you immediately was the biggest mistake I made.
I chose to protect your name, our “legacy” for two full years allowing you to continue your affair in secret, behind my back. Even after the greatest devastation and betrayal of my entire life, my initial reaction was NOT divorce, but restoration. After two very long years of what I thought was “recovery,” your continued lies and betrayals ultimately forced me to make a decision I never wanted to make. I had to protect myself emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
I’d like for you to know that in those weeks, months, and years after your actions were revealed, I wept uncontrollably for days on end and my heart was repeatedly ripped into shreds. I can honestly say I have NEVER experienced pain like that in which you heaped upon me. Not only did I experience the pain, but I felt shame, embarrassment, failure, and devastating loss. With your selfish, thoughtless and careless actions, you destroyed not only me, but our entire family, especially mine who loved you as their own. I lost not only you, but your family whom I also loved as my own. I loved your mom and dad as my own biological parents and your sister as my own sister. Your actions ripped all of that completely from my grasp.
But, since becoming single,
I have learned so much and God has completely transformed me into a NEW person. I have learned that you had to be sifted from me so that God could get the best OF me. While I’m not ready to proclaim, “it was all worth it,” I can honestly say that I truly am amazed at the person I am becoming. While married, my priorities were completely out of line. I worshipped YOU and YOUR desires more than I worshipped my Father. I desired to please YOU more than I desired to please HIM. My relationship with YOU was above my relationship with HIM. Now, HE is the center of being and having no one else to rely on, HE is my core, my focus and for seemingly, the first time in my life, I live solely for HIM and HIS glory.
In addition, I’ve learned that my desires, goals, and plans are not necessarily in line with His. While married to you, I had my entire life MAPPED out (just as were my daily routines). Now, I live “in the moment” accepting and dealing with things as they come my way. The rest of my life will be a TOTAL surprise! (How exciting!) I still have personal goals and desires, but I am keenly aware of how quickly they can change if my perspective and focus is not on HIM.
So, were your actions, the pain you caused, “worth it” for me?
As of the writing of this letter, I can’t wholeheartedly say “yes.” But I can tell you, that I am full of hope, expectant joy, abundant gratitude, and a peace that passes all understanding. Just as God paid Job back two-fold for the unbearable journey he endured, He is undoubtedly blessing me three-fold and I’m only freshly into this NEW life! I have much contentment that only comes from my Father, and a journey through His most painful, loving action of sifting you from me.
In HIS embrace,
Your Ex-Wife Who Loved You So
While God caused none of this tragedy, how bold and courageous of you to realize He is blessing you abundantly now as you trust Him. After four years I’m sure some of those hurts are still there. But your words portray someone who has worked tirelessly at forgiving. Oh that many of us can follow your example. Anger and bitterness is only a poison! Praise God you are laying it all down for Him. Your letter reminds me of Psalm 30:5, “For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”
Have you ever hid your true life from others because of shame and emotion? Is working through anger and forgiveness something you are struggling with? PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT ANONYMOUSLY.
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